Stop Fighting With Your Toddler! The Breakthrough ‘Let Them’ Approach That Saved My Sanity

ByLucy

Discover how the Let Them Theory transformed my relationship with my toddlers, ending power struggles and building confidence—without sacrificing boundaries or control.

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Heartwarming scene of a mother and son enjoying tea time together outdoors with lush greenery.

Table of Contents

Why Traditional Parenting Methods Failed My Toddlers

I used to dread mornings with my toddlers. My 4-year-old’s resistance to getting dressed would spiral into tears and shouting (from both of us), while my 2-year-old turned breakfast into performance art—with food as paint and our kitchen as the canvas.

Sound familiar?

I tried everything: sticker charts, timers, threats, bribes, counting to three… you name it. Some worked temporarily, but the power struggles always returned, often worse than before.

That’s when I discovered the Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins and Dr. Stuart Ablon, and it completely transformed our household dynamics by addressing the one thing I hadn’t considered—my own response to my children’s behavior.

The core principle that hit me like a ton of bricks: Kids do well if they can, not if they want to. This means when my 2-year-old has a meltdown in the grocery store, she’s not trying to embarrass me or test boundaries—she literally lacks the skills to handle the situation better.

This revelation changed everything.

What Is the Let Them Theory?

The Let Them Theory is a revolutionary parenting approach developed by motivation expert Mel Robbins in collaboration with Harvard psychologist Dr. Stuart Ablon. It’s based on decades of research showing that children want to succeed and meet expectations—they just need the right support and skills.

At its core, this approach recognizes something powerful: we can’t control our children’s behavior, but we can control our responses to it. That shift in focus makes all the difference.

Unlike traditional parenting methods focused on compliance through rewards and punishments, the Let Them Theory builds children’s problem-solving capabilities while protecting your relationship with them.

Two Game-Changing Steps That Transformed My Relationship With My Toddlers

Step 1: “Let Them” (Release Control)

The first step is simply saying to yourself, “Let Them.” This isn’t about becoming a permissive parent who lets kids do whatever they want. Instead, it’s about:

  • Recognizing which battles are worth fighting
  • Supporting your child’s natural drive for autonomy
  • Understanding that internal motivation comes from independence, not control

According to Dr. Ablon, we should use the “Let Them” approach about 90% of the time for low-stakes situations. This was eye-opening for me—I realized I was micromanaging my toddlers’ lives in ways that created unnecessary friction.

For my 4-year-old, implementing “Let Them” looked like:

  • Letting him choose his own clothes (even when plaids and stripes clashed wildly)
  • Allowing him to decide the order of his bedtime routine activities
  • Giving him the choice between two acceptable breakfast options
  • Letting him pick which toys to clean up first

For my 2-year-old, it meant:

  • Letting her feed herself (despite the mess)
  • Offering two options for snacks instead of deciding for her
  • Allowing her to choose which book we read at bedtime
  • Giving her space to try climbing safely onto the couch herself
A mother and her daughters choose outfits in a stylish, cozy home setting.

The results were almost immediate—fewer tantrums, more cooperation, and a sense of pride in my children I hadn’t seen before. I remember the first morning my 4-year-old proudly announced, “I picked my clothes all by myself!” His mismatched outfit didn’t matter; his confidence was priceless.

Step 2: “Let Me Work With Them” (Instead of Making Them)

Here’s where the magic really happens. When you do need to step in (for safety reasons or with truly important issues), instead of trying to “make them” do what you want, you shift to “Let Me Work With Them.”

This collaborative approach follows a simple but powerful formula:

  1. Start with a neutral observation about the situation (not the child)
  2. Get curious about their perspective instead of assuming
  3. Share your concern without imposing your solution
  4. Problem-solve together by inviting their ideas first

Let me show you how this transformed our toothbrushing battles with my 4-year-old:

Old approach: “You HAVE to brush your teeth! No, I’ll do it—you’re not doing it right. Hold still! We do this EVERY night, why are you fighting me?!”

Let Them approach: “I’ve noticed toothbrushing hasn’t been working great lately.” (neutral observation)

“What do you think is going on?” (curious question)

When he told me the mint toothpaste was “too spicy,” I validated his feeling: “That makes sense. Some toothpastes can feel strong.”

Then I shared my concern: “I’m worried about keeping your teeth healthy and preventing cavities.”

Finally, we problem-solved: “I wonder if there’s a way to keep your teeth clean AND have toothpaste that doesn’t feel too spicy. Any ideas?”

His solution? Try a different flavor toothpaste. We ordered a strawberry one from Amazon that day (affiliate link to kid-friendly toothpaste), and toothbrushing battles disappeared overnight.

Real Examples: The Let Them Approach With My 2 and 4-Year-Old

Morning Routine Transformation

Before implementing the Let Them Theory, our mornings were chaotic. My 4-year-old would resist getting dressed, my 2-year-old would refuse breakfast, and I’d end up frustrated and late for work.

What changed: I created a visual morning routine chart (similar to this one) that allowed my 4-year-old to check off his own tasks. Instead of nagging, I simply asked, “What’s next on your chart?” This gave him ownership over the process.

For my 2-year-old, I set up a breakfast station with accessible options and child-sized tools (these toddler dishes were a game-changer). She could independently choose and serve herself a pre-approved breakfast, which dramatically reduced food battles.

Sibling Rivalry Resolution

When my children fight over toys, I used to immediately jump in with: “Share with your sister!” or “Two minutes each with the toy!” This approach never worked and often made things worse.

What changed: Now I start with “Let Them” and observe if they can work it out. When they can’t, instead of imposing a solution, I use the “Work With Them” approach:

  1. “I notice you both want the same truck.” (neutral observation)
  2. “What’s happening?” (curiosity)
  3. “I’m concerned about everyone feeling happy and safe while playing.” (my concern)
  4. “What could we do so you both get a turn with the truck?” (problem-solving)

To my amazement, they’ve come up with creative solutions I’d never have thought of—like my 2-year-old accepting the “job” of loading blocks into the truck while my 4-year-old drives it.

When to “Let Them” vs. When to Step In

This framework isn’t about letting kids do whatever they want. There’s a clear distinction between when to step back and when to step in.

When to Use “Let Them” (90% of situations):

  • Choosing clothes, food, toys, and activities
  • Deciding how to complete a task (as long as it gets done)
  • Making friends and navigating social situations (with monitoring)
  • Managing small conflicts or disappointments
  • Expressing emotions (even uncomfortable ones)

When to Step In and “Work With Them” (10% of situations):

  • Safety issues (running into the street, dangerous climbing)
  • Health concerns (refusing medication, only wanting to eat candy)
  • Consistent sleep problems affecting their wellbeing
  • Aggression or harmful behavior toward others
  • School refusal or other major issues

I’ve made a visual chart showing “You Decide” vs. “We Decide Together” zones helps my 4-year-old understand these boundaries.

The Science Behind Why This Actually Works

The Let Them Theory isn’t just another parenting trend—it’s backed by decades of research on child development and neuroscience.

Dr. Stuart Ablon, who runs the Think:Kids program at Massachusetts General Hospital and teaches at Harvard Medical School, explains that challenging behavior occurs when the demands of a situation exceed a child’s skills to handle it.

Three key scientific principles make this approach effective:

  1. Autonomy drives internal motivation – Research shows children (and adults) are more motivated when they have a sense of control
  2. Emotional regulation is contagious – When we stay calm, it helps our children regulate their emotions
  3. Problem-solving builds brain pathways – Collaborative problem-solving actually strengthens neural connections that support emotional regulation and decision-making

In my experience with my toddlers, I’ve seen how this approach builds their confidence and critical thinking skills. My 4-year-old now frequently says, “I have an idea!” when faced with a challenge—a phrase I never heard before implementing this approach.

Tools That Have Helped Us Implement the Let Them Theory

These products have made a significant difference in our Let Them journey:

  1. Visual Routine Charts – We use these magnetic charts for morning and bedtime routines, allowing my children to track their progress independently
  2. Child-Sized Tools – This learning tower lets my toddlers safely help in the kitchen, promoting independence and collaboration
  3. Emotion Cards – These simple emotion flashcards help my 2-year-old identify and express feelings before they escalate to tantrums
  4. Decision Wheel – We made a simple wheel with options for common decisions (what to play, what to eat, etc.) that my 4-year-old can spin when he feels overwhelmed by choices
  5. Sand Timer – For situations where we need to take turns, a visual timer helps my toddlers understand the concept of waiting their turn without me constantly intervening

Frequently Asked Questions

Is the Let Them Theory the same as permissive parenting?

Absolutely not! The Let Them Theory still maintains clear boundaries and expectations. The difference is that instead of imposing solutions through force or punishment, you work collaboratively with your child to solve problems. You’re still the parent, but you’re a guide rather than a dictator.

Does this approach work with strong-willed toddlers?

In my experience with my strong-willed 4-year-old, this approach works BETTER with determined children! Strong-willed kids often fight hardest against control. When given appropriate autonomy and included in problem-solving, their determination becomes an asset rather than a battle.

How do I know when to “Let Them” vs. when to step in?

Safety always comes first. Step in immediately for anything dangerous. For everything else, ask yourself: “What’s the worst that could happen if I let them make this choice?” If the consequence is minor (mismatched clothes, a messy play session, doing something differently than you would), it’s a perfect “Let Them” opportunity.

What if my toddler can’t communicate well enough to problem-solve?

With my 2-year-old, I modify the approach by offering simple choices and watching body language carefully. Even children with limited verbal skills can point, nod, or show preferences. Start with very simple either/or choices, and you’ll be surprised at how quickly they develop problem-solving abilities.

Won’t this approach spoil my child or make them entitled?

The research shows the opposite! Children raised with appropriate autonomy and collaborative problem-solving develop better self-regulation, empathy, and responsibility. They learn that their voice matters but also how to consider others’ needs—a foundation for healthy relationships throughout life.

Try This With Your Toddler Today

Ready to transform your relationship with your toddlers and end power struggles for good? Here’s a simple way to start implementing the Let Them Theory today:

  1. Identify one daily battle you’re having with your toddler (getting dressed, brushing teeth, leaving the park)
  2. Try the “Work With Them” formula:
    • Make a neutral observation about the situation
    • Get curious about their perspective
    • Share your concern (not your solution)
    • Ask for their ideas first
  3. Share your experience in the comments below—I’d love to hear how it works for your family!

Want more guidance? Download my free Let Them Theory Quick-Start Guide for Toddler Parents with specific scripts and scenarios tailored to the toddler years.

Remember, this approach takes practice—be patient with yourself and your child as you learn together. As Dr. Stuart Ablon says, “Parents do well if they can, too!” We’re all doing our best with the skills we have.

Have you tried any of these strategies with your kiddos? Drop a comment below and let’s chat about our parenting wins and challenges! Note: This blog is based on “Parenting with LET THEM: The Let Them Theory Companion Guide” by Mel Robbins and Dr. Stuart Ablon. For more information, check out Dr. Ablon’s book “Changeable: How Collaborative Problem Solving Changes Lives at Home, at School, and at Work” or visit thinkkids.org.

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